erma Bombeck

“Anyone who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?” 

“Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, ‘What light?’ and two more to say, ‘I didn’t turn it on.’ “ 

“Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.” 

“I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up.” 

“I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.” 

“If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.” 

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.” 

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?” 

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” 

“Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.” 

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” 

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’ ”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”