Dave barry

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

“Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.” [Kids Today: They Don’t Know Dum Diddly Do]

“Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.”

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” [The Taming of the Screw]

“I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

“If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.”

“Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.”

“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.”

“Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right!  I never would have thought of that!' ”

“You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.  You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.”  [How to Dress for Real Success]