Mark Twain

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“A classic is a book which people praise and don’t read.”

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

“Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.”

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

“Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.”

“Always tell the truth. That way, you don't have to remember what you said.”

“Animals talk to each other, of course. There can be no question about that; but I suppose there are very few people who can understand them.”  [“What Stumped the Blue-jays”]

“Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.”

“Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.”

“Buy land; they're not making it anymore.”

“Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.”

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.”

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”

“For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon--laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution--these can laugh at a colossal humbug--push it a little--weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast.”

“George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth.  He could not even lie.”

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

“Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.”

“I am different from Washington; I have a higher grander standard of principle.  Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.”

“I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

“I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have got so much more of it.”

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.”

“In his private heart no man much respects himself.”

“In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”

“It ain’t any use to tell me a blue-jay hasn’t got a sense of humor, because I know better.”  [“What Stumped the Blue-jays”]

“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”

“It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.”

“It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.”

“It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion which makes horse races.”

“It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”

“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.”

“Let us not be too particular: it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.”

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love it is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”

“Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.”

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

“Methuselah lived to be 969 years old... You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.”

“Modesty died when clothes were born.”

“My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.”

“Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.”

“Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.”

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

“Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.”

“Put all your eggs in one basket and—WATCH THAT BASKET.”

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

“Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.”

“The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious. And why shouldn't it be? -- it is the same the angels breathe.” [Roughing It, Chapter XX11, 1886]

“The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and a lightening bug.”

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.”

“The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.”   [Following the Equator]

“The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.”

“The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.”

“The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

“The very ink in which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”

“There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it and when he can.”

“There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.”

“There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me—I always feel that they have not said enough.”

“Truth is our most valuable commodity--let us economize.”

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines  Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

“War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.”

“We adore titles and heredities in our hearts, and ridicule them with our mouths.  This is our democratic privilege.”

“We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.”

“We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.”

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”

“When in doubt, tell the truth.”  [Following the Equator]

“Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it because we are not the person involved?”

“Why shouldn't truth be stronger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.”

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where our smiles have been.”

“You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.”