Robert Orben

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“Don't smoke too much, drink too much,

eat too much or work too much.

We're all on the road to the grave--

but there's no reason to be in the passing lane.”

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

“There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.”