stephen Colbert
“Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.” [The Colbert Report]
“Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long.” [The Colbert Report, May 29, 2008]
“I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.” [The Colbert Report, 2007]
“I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax.” [The Colbert Report, October 29, 2008]
“I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup.” [The Colbert Report, March 10, 2009]
“I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished.” [The Colbert Report, December 8, 2008]
“If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money.” [The Colbert Report, August 15, 2008]
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.” [The Colbert Report, 2006]
“If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex?” [The Colbert Report, May 6, 2009]
“I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over.” [The Colbert Report, July 22, 2008]
“I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.” [to guest Bill O’Reilly, The Colbert Report, 2006]
“I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?” [The Colbert Report, 2007]
“I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.” [The Colbert Report, 2006]
“Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.” [The Colbert Report]
“Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me ‘sir’.” [The Colbert Report, 2007]
“Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.” [The Colbert Report, 2006]
“The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room.” [The Colbert Report, April 24, 2008]
“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion.” [The Colbert Report, August 5, 2008]
“When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.” [The Colbert Report, 2007]